Another year

So end of 2013 sees me in hospital for 4-5 weeks while I recuperate from a series of ops. These were ones that Katja wanted me to have some time ago – running repairs for damage done (wrists, elbow & shoulder). Not a great time to be stuck in hospital, and it gives me too much time for introspection.

We never spoke as much over the Xmas holidays as she always went to Namibia, but we always sent wishes for the New Year. Of course, too, had she been around with me stuck in hospital, then she would have conversed all the more, and perhaps included a trip to see me (even though she knows I HATE having visitors in hospitals).

But she would have helped me through the mess at the end of last year. I have never worked for as long, or as hard, as I did last year, but finished the year with less than zero in my accounts, and clients owing me over R1M. One project I have been working on for a number of years was put forward for a prestigious international award, for precisely the work that I am responsible for. Out of 68 cities that were accepted, we have been short listed down to the final 15. I was invited by the organisers to speak at their conference to the UN in Vienna in February. Which was really exciting, and I know Katja would have produced press releases and the like for me… But then people began crawling out of the woodwork, and trying to both claim authorship for my work, and even writing to the organisers to tell them that, and asking if they could co-present with me… I was really annoyed, until in heard back from the city, who decided that this award was not important enough to be worth paying for my trip. So the annoyance turned to frustration, and sadness.

That has all been now replaced with a cynical view, and next year will be different, will have to be different. Fuck them. No emotions next year, no more writing this blog, no more exposing anything. Only work for people that pay, and then only do what is required; no extra’s, no freebies. If cities are late paying then I shall stop work until they pay.

All this has also had a huge impact at home. I know I have been a shit to live with…and I think the knowledge of what Katja meant to me hurt. I don’t know what she will decide…although fear it might not be good. Oh, and I have completely fallen out with my parents in the interim.

So I seem to be starting the New Year, having a really shitty time in hospital, but taking the view, Fuck The World, for next year.

Advertisements

So near and yet so far

There are days when I need you more than others. I need you every day – we didn’t have to speak every day…we sometimes went weeks without actually talking. But we always knew the other was there…in emergencies. Days or nights when we just needed an ear, or a shoulder. I need you now. I really need you now. Being here in your house makes me feel closer…but actually the distance is the same. I need your wise words, I need your hug. I need you to tell me to buck my ideas up, & to stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself. I need one of those Katja hugs right now.

But I know I will never experience one of those ever again.

I know you will never be here for me anymore.

I will always love you. My life will never be the same without you. You picked me up and put me back together again…sometimes literally… I want to tell you that I finally did something about the surgeries i face over Xmas. I should be promising to SMS you as soon as I come around after the anesthetic, like I always had to with all the other operations. I always did that…and you didn’t mind what time of night or day I did that…or whether the message made much sense. But I always knew once I came around that I needed to do that. I knew how worried you used to get, even though you tried so hard not to show me.

God I miss you so much. I spent so much of today just crying; I was quite short with Thabs, as I needed some space today…I hate doing that…but he cannot see these tears…he has his own.

I need you now.

Happy Birthday

Happy 51st darling. You will always be young.

20131117-111335.jpg

I took that photo at one of our special lunches at Gilroys. You were so alive… So special… I remember you particularly wanted me to photo you…like the other one I took in the Waterfront.

God I miss you. I never realised how much I needed you in my life until you were gone.

Still too Fresh

Am sat waiting for my lift, to take me away from the Lodge again.

Am sat where HER car should be. Looking at HER old house, where SHE should be (dashing about as she would be late taking me to the airport!!!). Have HER old dog Trixie at my feet.

Tomorrow should have been HER 51st birthday. I should have been staying here to celebrate HER birthday with HER.

Life is so fucking unfair.

Times heals????

Does it hell. How many times do I have to live through the realisation that I shall never see her again?? I feel I am clinging on by my fingertips… I have buried myself in work. Using physical pain to block mental pain. And then through the fog it hits me all over again. I have lived her death over and over and over. I wish I could have offered myself in her place. Part of me did die that day. I needed her. I need her. I still need her.

Life Love Laugh

Death Cry

Shit. Nothing makes sense anymore. She made sense of it all… No sense without her…

I miss you, you wonderful wonderful person every day. Life is just monochrome without you…

A different life, a different time.

Not sure I can do this without you.

But nobody can know…nobody knows…only us. Only me…

A year gone by

Can’t believe that it has been over a year since we lost Katja. Although much has happened, so much has not changed.

Back at the Lodge now. Good to catch up with Thabo. But we need to visit Miriam who has been hospitalised due to PTSD. Am feeling bad about that situation, but in reality, there is very little that I can do.

My own health not good. But hopefully can delay any surgery until Christmas.